This particular issue is rearing it ugly fat head today. So I am going to write it down in hopes that it will help bring me some peace.
When I found out Sophia might have a terminal disease was roughly july of last year ( if I was feeling spunky id dig up the date because I do have the exact date, but that's to much work)
It stole my sunlight, it stole my ability to see further then today, it stole me RIGHT to dream and plan for my future. Because I was too afraid of thinking about not having Sophia with me. and EVERY time I thought into the future I couldn't see past me having to bury my baby. I am so type A that I am made fun of for it. so not being able to plan .... was like telling me not to breathe. It was all consuming and completely devastating. For five months I cried every day in the shower or whenever I could steal away a private moment. Not because my family isn't supportive. But because im pretty sure we were all crying in private, trying to stay strong for the others. Fighting to stay positive is sometimes a team effort. Even if the whole team is trying to fake it till they feel it.
As a parent, we all have pressure to provide a future for our children. We hope that we can make enough money to get them everything they will ever want. We hope to live in the right town so our kids get a decent education. We hope our child will be adventurous and outgoing but smart and cautious so they don't screw up in some big and dangerous way down the line.
We lay awake at night wondering if we are making the right choices and if we are properly enabling our children to be successful people and adults. Because one day, they will graduate and go out into the world on their own with nothing more then the value you have instilled in them.
Its a scary thought; to look at your diaper bottomed angel and know someday they will be teenagers and then young adults fighting on their own against this harsh world. Im sure a lot of parents spend a lot of time stressing and worrying about if they are preparing their kids for the future.
But I wouldn't know anything about that, my baby bird, wont ever leave the nest.......
and ill be honest. it terrifies me. As hard as im sure it is to know someday your children wont need you anymore. Its ten times harder knowing they will need you forever. SO in being given the gift of keeping my baby girl with me on this earth for as long as her body can sustain her is both a tremendously immeasurable gift , and a curse..... A CURSE?? I know your thinking im crazy now, im not losing my mind trust me here..
Most mothers put in 18-21 years of HARD labor raising and sculpting their kids into normally functioning adults who move out and create a family of their own... then the mother gets to grow old, see their kids fall in love and marry, go into retirement, enjoy grandchildren, and eventually leave this world and move on to the next in peace. My path wont look like that.
IM NOT BY ANY MEANS SAYING I WISH I HAD GOTTEN A DIFFERENT DIAGNOSIS. So please try to understand me and don't confuse my words. I would not trade any part of my life to change Sophia . I would not even if I could "fix " her . Because every part of her makes her my Sophia. if I "fixed her" I wouldn't even know who she was or what to do with her. That being said, when I was told her type of pch wasn't known to be fatal, I was given back my right to dream and plan.
However, it wasn't the same thing that was taken from me. it has a new and unusal feeling about it. Something about it doesn't fit into my psyche like it used to. and its taken me 18 entire days to figure out why...
Because it now holds a new truth, a truth that might as well weigh 10,000 lbs.....
I get to keep my baby girl FOREVER ... and forever is a LOOOOOOONG time. and i just have to say honestly... im scared to death. ...what am i supposed to do FOREVER?!?!?!
im not looking for a real answer here and im quickly running out of time in my day to sit here and ponder this thought.. but my GOD can i just get one solid breath of oxegen before life slams me back under my suffocating pile of responsibilities here ...... shit.....
i try really hard to prtray myself as well put together and life im handling this one blessed day at a time... but ill be 100% right here when i say that some days.. like today i just want to walk out into the middle of the road. look up at the sky . spread my arms out big and wide and scream right up at the sky
"HEY THERE MR. I KNOW BEST, ARE YOU FUCKING ENJOYING YOURSELF? CAN I CATCH JUST ONE BREAK, OR AT LEAST CAN I WIN THE LOTTERY?? BECAUSE THIS FUCK HER COMING AND FUCK HER GOING STUFF IS GETTING TO BE A BIT FUCKING MUTCH!!!"
then calmly stroll back into my house like its perfectly normal to curse out god in anger, and pour myself a drink.... if that makes me crazy so be it.. but ill be honest i get the urge at east once a day...
I get to keep her here with me... but "be careful what you wish , cause you just might get it" just took on a entirely new tone for me. I just have to work on accepting that i can only control how i react to my life, not what happens in it.
and i obviously need to start looking into penny stocks and the fountain of youth because i need to find a way to make money from home and live forever. So Sophia will ALWAYS be taken care of. God the idea of her facing a day without me...... is enough to land me in the hospital. i mean it .. if i focus on it to long i become completely unhinged... so per usual... one HUGE huddle jumped without injury only to come up against one even bigger..
im starting to doubt my ability to jump like this FOREVER.....
I was given back my right to dream , but now I don't know how .....
It's a pretty good thing I have such a cute faces to wake up to every day ;)
