My child is not a bomb...Promise.

My daughter is not a bomb
she's just a kid
I'm not special, got no extra training... I'm a mom

I know all the other stuff the equipment, the adjustments, the way we adapt things, her way of communication may make it seem like it's more than it is...

But I challenge you to look beyond that stuff ...
I challenge you to focus harder slow down and watch our family together.
 I'm just a mom who wants to see her child grow, learn, love and be loved and essentially isn't that what everyone wants for their child?? 

I'm no different..

Equally Sophia wants what everyone wants...
 to be hugged and to be smiled at, to make eye contact, to see you react to her, to hear that you're happy to see her, to play, to eat, to be included, to see beautiful sites, to be part of a group,

She wants to live a life

However not a single one of those things can she do alone . She's got an uphill battle, she needs help, she needs your time, she needs your understanding and she needs your effort.

I guess with time I'm realizing that it's not that she's "different" that really stops her from having those experiences. After 3 1/2 years, building her therapeutic playroom in our home, tens of thousands spend on adaptive equipment her therapies and her medical specialists we realize that we can't do it all and money can't solve this. There's a piece of this that we can't provide .

She needs a community .
she needs a family .
she needs a team .
she needs a foundation.
she needs a place to grow and flourish . 

Got a lot of observers, people that wish her well, but that's not enough.. 

I'm just saying she's not a bomb .....she doesn't need gloves or a back up team. She won't explode or disintegrate. She just needs time and understanding.

Take the time to allow her to get focus on you after you say hello, don't immediately brush her off. Take the time to sit with her, she enjoys your company. Take the time to learn how she plays because she does play games! trust me !
I know it might seem awkward at first but ask her questions. Talk to her. She likes to be spoken to and if you just give her enough time she might respond..
Try looking at it from her perspective....
She reserves the right to be nervous, after all you're big, you do things that she doesn't.

She needs time to feel you out.
Respect her enough to let that happen. Give her time. I know from experience that when you let that happen she will let you in and when she does, you feel like the most special person on earth.

I mean it she's  special and she makes other people feel special too.

I see when people are with other kids more "capable" kids they don't think twice. They engage, they play, they get down on their level they talk to them.
When I see people with my kid.... they hesitate, think about it, they say hi they say she's pretty. Talking about her but never TO her and and then they avoid her like a ticking bomb.

She's a child. She's not a bomb.

I'm sorry if I've given the impression along the way that I gave birth to a china doll.
Is she delicate in certain ways?  yes.
But essentially she's got 10 fingers, 10 toes, one heart, and two eyes that see the world passing her by...

Trust and Tears

So guess who went and became a big girl without permission ?!

Thats right: our own little resident polly pocket....

This week marked a huge accomplishment for this family. 
Sophia has officially transitioned into preschool WITHOUT ME..  
and nobody died.


I know! I'm shocked too.. we survived! It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Before that my daughter has spent every single moment of her life with me, her father, my mother and my sister. ONLY us.. (its like my "circle of trust" and I'm the crazy ex-CIA agent from the meet the fockers movies.. )

Now backing up a bit ; some of you may have read my post about how I was NEVER going to be ok leaving her in a public school system by herself... I assure you I'm not a liar.. ( to be totally honest I had a rather big hiccup with the school board over an incorrect promise and my IEP, but I choose to be understanding rather then to turn it all on its head like I would have been fully within right to do)
Honestly, I didn't expect to be met with such a great team of people. Who were willing to take the time to get to know sophia and cater to her like they do. The fact that I leave her there is a HUGE testament to her one-on-one aide and her preschool teacher.  Her teacher has been tacking early intervention preschool for longer then I've been alive. She's the perfect mix of no nonsense and maternal instinct. The kind of teacher who you swear really has eyes in the back of her head. I got VERY lucky , every para in her class is fantastic and maternal and very perceptive. Her aide is the absolute perfect fit for sophia. I couldn't have picked a better one myself. She's intuitive and proactive. She was actively trying to decipher sophias ways and developing her own little ways to handle sophias needs. It was incredibly reassuring to me to see her in action. I honestly hope I can keep them as a team. ( I'm not sure thats possible but you can bet ill try) and then theres the kids. Oh the kids, they are so heartwarmingly inclusive with sophia. Not-a-one treats her like she's different. Its innocence and beauty and true human nature in the rawest form to see them with her. Its very powerful for me.

Now confession time: When I say I "leave her " in school, what I mean is I leave her in the building without me. In truth i've been sitting out in my car the majority of the time waiting for the sky to come crashing down....... So far it hasn't. The first day I cried the entire time I was out there. I won't be convinced enough to drive away from her for a little while I don't think.  Maybe eventually ill use it as time everyday to go to the gym or to blog. I'm looking forward to when I'm comfortable enough to make use of that time.

I have spent a total of almost 10 weeks (between last school year and the beginning of this one) in class with her and her aide. Training her on all of sophias little quirks and teaching her the ever-evolving ways that sophia communicates her needs.  It felt kind of like letting a stranger read my diary.  This relationship I have with my daughter, my ability to communicate with her without using words. Its a very special and private thing to me. I almost hurt to let go of that control and hand it to someone else. But I did it, because she deserves this.

More then once I was asked "Why bother? you don't even know if she's learning?!." In the back of my mind, in a lazier less motivated corner of my psyche, I asked myself that question almost every day...
The answer is this:
I have no quantifiable way to prove that she is absorbing every lesson. However what I do know is this... I am exposing her to other children, to new experiences and environments. I am giving her that opportunity to develop essential social-emotional skills that she will unquestionably need to get by in life. My home is a very controlled environment. Calm and quiet most of the time and sophia can have what she wants when she wants it at all times, without interruption. Being that she is an only child, its kind of the nature of the beast. That kind of catering can only breed problems. She NEEDS to know how to be a part of a larger group. She NEEDS to know how to at the very least tolerate other children if not eventually interact with them. She deserves the opportunity to be a part of her community.

As much as i would love to, I can't keep her locked in a bubble forever. I have no tower to keep her high above the world and its dangers. In reality, She HAS TO learn how to let other people care for her. Its not healthy for her or for me to have things stay like they were. As nice as it was to have my baby be only mine....

Its time that I let my little butterfly spread her wings.
The cocoon of my love and protection will always be here for her. 
All I need is one call and I would move heaven and earth to be there for her.