D day

The day of Sophia's audiology appointment came up fast. I'm pretty sure I threw up at least 3 times that morning, I was so incredibly nervous. We made our way into the children's hospital for the very first time, it seemed very unreal to me.

The testing to be preformed was called an ABR test The auditory brainstem response (ABR) is a test that Needs to be preformed while Sophia is totally naturally asleep. (At this point she is 3 months old and sleeps whenever she damn well pleases... ) but what's better then that is they stick u in a small room with a bunch of machines and hospital smells and then they dim the light and say "ok how long till she's asleep? " and between me being so nervous and tense and Luis being so nervous and aggravated by the circumstance  Sophia was a hungry agitated mess.. So I tried everything and then let Luis take a turn trying everything we could think of to get her to sleep... FINALLY 35 min later she falls asleep and the audiologist returns and says " ok now I need to place these electrodes on her head" 

I thought I was going to kill him dead right there... After I spend 40 minuets trying to get my baby to sleep you wanna mess withe her fucking head?!?!? ( you should know Sophia has always been a VERY light sleeper, just like her mommy) and just like clock work he puts on the first electrode and she wakes up..... At that point I just threw my hands up and said I give up I'm rescheduling for later in the day on another day and we left. All the stress and tension building up to that for nothing... And we did this 3 more times.. I kid you not, 4 times total of going in getting her to sleep and have her wake up before we got the test done.. The whole set up is insane... Kids under 6 months have to be asleep without and sedatives for a total of an hour and some change.. Sophie to this day will only nap 30-45 min at best, so we were fighting an uphill battle no matter what. 

Finally one very kind audiologist agreed to stay after hours and preform the test durning Sophia's natural nap time (around 430). Luis had to be at work so I had my mother come with me to the appointment for moral support. By now I'm a pro and I have a battle plan. We get there and I have Sophia purposely hungry and sleepy. It's about 415 when we arrive and I have the audiologist place the electrodes on her head first and tie the leads up into a knot in this back of her head. Then I walk right back out to the car and sit in the backseat with Sophia breast feeding in my arms, and I have my mother drive in circles around the parking lot ( we're in Glastonbury at the Ccmc offices there) . Works like an absolute charm as soon as her belly is full she drifts to sleep. I walk back thru the building with her still latched onto my breast asleep and shamelessly march right up to the front desk and say ok let's do this.... Lol really it was a sight to see... 

My joy was short lived... We start off the test right were she woke up last time. ((((She has baby ear plugs in that are attached to a tube that sends sounds into her ears, the sounds are then interpreted in the brain and as a result there is a change in her brain activity so essentially that's how they measure hearing loss, how does your brain interpret the sound the computer plays..)))) I'm holding her and I can hear 80% of the sounds that are being played into Sophia's ears and she wasn't even twitching, didn't seem bothered at all, at first I was proud like look at my baby go ! I try so Hard to understand what is on the computer screen, buts its just a bunch of curved lines on a grid that i cant figure out so i try to focus on my baby Sleeping like a champ, then it hit me like a Mac truck on the freeway..... 

If my light sleeper isn't moving or bothered by these big sounds that me and my mom can hear then she must not be hearing them !  Tears silently flowed down my face as I quietly fell apart. Each and every noise was like a red hot poker being shoved into my stomach. 40 minuets dragged by like it was 40 years..

When Sophia began to move around and wake up we removed all of the wires she was attached to and the audiologist excused herself from the room. My mother gave my hand a reassuring squeeze as we waited for her to return. I was expecting to leave and get a call in a few days telling me what they found. Instead when she returned she was holding a small plastic box. She set it aside and sat down facing us. With a big breath in she looked me right in the eye and ripped my heart out.... 

"Sophia has what we call bilateral sensorineural hearing loss. She has a mild to moderate loss in her left ear and a moderately severe loss in her right ear. She has a hard time with high pitches and very low tones... Mid range sounds she can hear just fine which is why she responds to voices and sounds however Sophia is not hearing all of what is being said. Her type of hearing loss can be helped with the use of hearing aids".... And she grabs her little plastic box opens it and faces it to me..

All the while I'm frozen back on the 'Sophia has' part if her sentence stuck frozen in my nightmare, everything I have been trying so hard to keep out if my mind was just put on the table. For the first of what will be many times I swallow hard and dry my face and turn to the box of hearing aids. Looking at them as if they are a Tolkien of my misfortune.. I hated them, immediately wanted to look away. Instead I listened nodded and signed . I just did whatever I had to do in order to get out of that building. 

When I got to the car I got into the back seat with Sophia , curled her up into my arms and cried.... Not the silent polite movie cry. I mean loud ugly faced I don't care who sees or hears me crying....  I loaded Sophia into her cars eat and sat there for a little while longer not speaking to my mother or Sophia just crying, I had two missed calls from Luis, a broken heart and a million questions. But I could not muster enough strength to hold my daughters hand and cry. Thinking about all the things she will have to deal with growing up with hearing loss, the rude people the mean kids at school... 

I felt I had failed her, and that my body had failed me.. Something that I have not been able to shake since that rainy car ride home...

I called Luis and told him we were on our way , i didn't k now what to tell him. He was at work working alone and in no position to hear this.. Shit I was in No position to explain it.  But when he came up to the car and saw my face I didn't need words..he knew.

That night inlaid Sophia down for bed a waited. Waited for my other halftone come home for. Work so I could explain What happened that afternoon. After I told him everything I was told we just sat there in the couch for a while , not talking just holding each other and trying our best not to let our fear flood out out hope.

 But that night in the wee hours of the morning, fear won, we were terrified of this new world in which we had to protect our baby girl. Afraid of what was ahead. Afraid to let go of what was  now behind us. Just afraid.

 I'm not ashamed to admit it , I'm sure he wouldn't be either. 

That was D day 

The day my Life changed forever

The day  my daughter was  first diagnosed 

Thanks for reading !

K*